I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
