by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
