I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
