Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
