final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
