who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
