how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
