i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
