This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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