last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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