i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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