I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
