thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
