I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize