I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
