I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
