I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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