I'm lost and stupid without you.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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