I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
