Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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