3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
