I can tuck mytits in my pants
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
