Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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