I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
