I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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