If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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