I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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