i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
