My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
