i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize