i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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