Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
