someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
