I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
