I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
