I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
