i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
