i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
sarcasm needs its own font
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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