Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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