Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
