I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
