In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
