Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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