I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
