im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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