you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
