I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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