i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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