I just cut my nipple shaving
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
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hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
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I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel