I need help removing her.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me