i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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