The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You had me at "let me see your balls"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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