I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
