i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
