i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
