R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
