omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
